The boys have a dynamic relationship with Alan. It is ever changing and evolving, which I love. It is fluid, some days Joey is his biggest fan and others it is Vinny. Its ironic though because they both have different relationships with Alan and as they are getting older, I am realizing more and more the importance of building them up is the most crucial part of me being their Mother.
Now, I am sure that you can think of many other aspects of motherhood that seem more crucial then building bonds between my three boys (and Ricki when she is old enough) but to me, in this current state of motherhood that I am in, this is my number one priority. In the past, I feel like I always tried to protect each boy individually from the hardships of Autism and this life we live in the Autism world. I would try and not force the interactions on Alan with his brothers so he wouldn't get frustrated, and they wouldn't be let down or feel negelcted by him not showing his love in the typical way. But recently, it has changed for the better. He is more open to his brothers, he wants to be around them more and he is showing his love more frequently and appropritely for them. It is simply amazing, but it has taken time, patience and a lot of wishing.
As the years have gone by, faster and faster, I have found myself facilitating the bond more and making a conscious effort daily to bring Alan, Vinny and Joey together in some capacity. Some peole might think that this a no brainer, that duh why wouldn't you being doing this already, and the truth is I don't think Alan was ready. He has always loved his brothers, I know this is my heart, but has it always been shown by him? No. Flat out, no and I'm not afraid to admit that because that is part of who he is. But as of recently, he is seeking his brothers out to do things for him, to communicate with them and just be around them in close proximity. Everything has alawys been on Alan's time, we live our lives on Alan's time, and I don't anticipate that changing any time soon because we are okay with that.
In writing this blog I wanted to get my two boys' feelings on Alan. I asked Vinny, "What words would you use to describe Alley?" His reply did not shock me, it's just so Vinny if you know him . I have seen their relationship grow organically and tremendously as of lately to the point where I don't facilitate that one as much. To the point where Vinny is seeking Alan out and reading his emotions on his own, which is exactly what I had hoped for all along. Vinny said that "Alan is cool. nice and fun" I asked him to elabortae on how he is each of those attributes and he continued on to say "He is just cool, he's a cool Autistic kid. And he is so nice, when he is gentle it feels like he gets nicer and nicer. And Alan is fun, when he plays together with me I get these fun tingly feelings that say 'I like this guy'". To listen to how my seven year old views his older brother was overwhleming. He talked about him so mater of factly, that yes, this is him and I love him for who he is. Duh.
I then asked Joey seperately that same question, and his answers were a little different as any five year olds would be, but had the same unerlying tone. Joey said "Alan is good. Alan is the best brother (brudder) and Alan always gives me hugs when he gets home." Their relationship has been harder to faciliate then Vin's and his. I think because Joey is way littler in size and when Alan is upset, he truly gets scared. Whereas Vin is more his size and can handle a squeezy hug now and then. But Joey still views him the same as Vinny does which was shocking to me. I didn't tell him any examples of words to describe him, he used those three postiive senteces on his own which makes me think we are doing something right with our boys.
It's a tricky situation when navigating how to build these relationships amongst siblings, and like I said Ricki will build her own when she is ready and so is Alan. But when they evolve on their own, right before your eyes, its brings feelings of hope and certainty for Alan's future. Two words that I rarely use when thinking ahead to his future. But I know that if we continue to help grow these relationships with Vinny and Joey that Alan will be taken care of for life, and it won't be looked at as a burden, but more as a cool inside job that they got chosen for because he is so different and only they have the relationship they do with him. Nobody else. We will keep building and let it happen organically, but a little celebratory win for our family is always nice.
With Grace,
This Autism Mama
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