Siblings...

I always say that one of the most important parts of any special needs journey is finding your tribe, your people. The ones that love and accept everything you bring to the table. The good, the bad and the ugly. Those are your tribe, and your tribe becomes your child's tribe as well because your child is part of you. Siblings of children with special needs are the front runners of that tribe, they are the leaders. Our boys Vinny and Joey have been on Alleys journey with us just as much as my husband and I have been. They see what we see, feel what we feel and experience the same highs and lows that we do as Alley's parents. Some say special needs siblings grow up to be the most understanding adults, and I can see that because of what they have been a part of for many years.

Vinny is our middle child, so the closest to Alan age wise, but acts like our oldest. They are separated by 19 months so really not by much. There is one memory that will stay with me forever. This was about three years ago, so when Vinny was two and a half and was Alley four. My husband and I always tried to facilitate interaction between the two boys. Alley would never initiate it and Vinny would try and try only, to be pushed away or "stiff armed" as we like to call it. Playing "together" was never an option either. If Alley started playing with a toy or puzzle and his little brother came to engage, you bet Alley would flee, run for his life out of the area. This went on for years and it still does at times. But this one day in particular, Vinny asked me to take a picture of him. He loves being the center of attention and honestly he loves seeing himself in pictures. The kids got confidence for days. Of course I obliged because what mom doesn't love 500 pictures of their child on their phone? He posed, I clicked away snapping multiple pictures of Vinny, Alley meandering in the background. He just so happened to meander into our picture at one point and Vinny threw his arm around his neck to get him in the picture. Oh no, was my first thought. Alleys going to get mad, hes going to hit Vinny, or squeeze him, or bite him. I bit my tongue not to deter Alley from his brother. "Smile Alley! 1, 2 ,3 smile boys!" And with that Alan took the picture with his brother, and even planted an open mouth kiss right on Vinny's face. Then darted SO fast out of the room. The picture is one that I will cherish forever with that memory attached to it. But what I will never ever forget was the comment from Vinny that followed. "Mom! He kissed me! Alan kissed me! He really DOES love me!" (Cue crumbling melting mama heart right here) Growing up with a brother who is nonverbal, Vinny never got to hear and "I love you" or "You're my best friend" from Alley like Vinny would say to him. We would tell him over and over that Alan loved him, but to actually feel love from Alan, you would think he just woke up on Christmas morning with how excited he was.

Now we have Joey, little Jo Jo as we call him in our house. What can I say other then he is the youngest of three boys and has learned to hold his own early. He make his presence known and his voice loud enough for the everyone to hear. He is the child that just tap dances on your nerves but at the same time is so damn lovable you don't know what to do with him. Odd combination, I know. Joey and Alan are four years apart and from the time Joey graced us with his presence I feel like Alan has had soft spot for him and treats him differently then he treats Vinny. Now this possibly could be because Vinny and Alan are closer in age and Alan was already four when we brought baby Joey home. We were constantly telling him "gentle" or "nice hands" when he was around the baby and I think it has stuck with him even til this day when Joey is almost three and Alan is seven. But the ironic part of it all is Joey acts as if he is Alan's older brother, his protector at the age of almost three. He reports to me Alan's every move. I can be talking to Alley in the house asking where he is or what he is doing and a little toddler voice speaks up "Mom, Alley's in the basement". Or he will say "Mama Alley's crying" if I didn't know he was upset somewhere else in the house. It's like he has a radar. His role in Alley's life is going to be his guardian. I can see it now. Vinny is his voice. His voice for many things, voice of reason, voice of comfort, voice of love and warmth. But Joey, Joey is his guardian. Don't cross Joey especially about his brothers. He will put you in your place and defend and protect them to the end. It amazes me and sometimes I have to ask a couple times "what did you just say?" to be clear on what I heard (also not the friendliest language I have ever heard from a toddler but if he uses it to protect his brother who cannot speak up for himself, then have at it buddy).

The three boy's bond is an unique and unbreakable one at such a young age, and I sincerely hope it stays that way forever. It is very hard as parents to navigate a "typical life" for Vinny and Joey while including and involving Alley in everything we do. The decisions of going to the boys' sports games, the store, a vacation, basically anywhere outside of our home, are not taken lightly. Al and I have to be prepared at all times for one of us to leave somewhere because it was not conducive for Alley. It's a hard fine line to walk knowing what is right to do not only for Alan but for Vinny and Joey as well. They love when do things as a family, as a whole family and that's the goal, but some days we fall short. When I say they feel the highs and lows just as much as my husband and I do, I mean it. I'll end today with one of my all time favorite quotes, "if you want to know how to treat a child with special needs, look at their sibling... they will show you." I hope you find your tribe.

With grace-

This Autism Mama