This post is for all the Mamas, Dads and Caretakers out there. It's about us today. I need to get this off my chest and not feel like I am alone in the way I feel. Every year since becoming a Mom to Alley, these thoughts creep in, it never fails, and as he gets older they get stronger.
I used to love New Years Eve! It was always one of my favorite holidays to celebrate, be out and about, enjoy the excitement that everyone was exuding. To me, watching it all was always so beautiful for some reason. There was always a buzz floating around from person to person. Throw in the countdown, the fire works, the sparkle... it was just a gorgeous night for many years of my life.
This year, just like the last 5 (at least), I don't feel the same glimmer or excitement. There is no dressing up, dancing, galavanting, socializing or feeling that buzz of excitement. It sounds so depressing and dark but all I feel is anxiety and failure. Another year has gone by in our Autism world and all though he has made strides in many areas from last year, he's still not speaking, and it kills me. Absolutely eats at my heart. I get this overwhelming sense of time flying by and our boy staying the same. Like there's just years being throwing out the window. Deep down, I know we are doing so much for him in so many ways, but because the result of this year is not what I wanted or where I'd hoped we be, it's crushing. This holiday gives me a lump in my throat that I cannot shake and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
It's like a never ending feeling of failure, that's the only way I can put it. It hurts, makes my stomach sink knowing that I have failed him again, for another year. As a Mom, it's absolutely debilitating to feel these types of feelings and have these types of thoughts.
Tonight, I am going to try to push that lump down, put a smile on my face and enjoy the blessing of a new year with my family. And if any of you are feeling this way, I challenge you to do the same. I know Alley has made strides, I've seen them, but it's just always so hard for me to know that another year is leaving us and next year will bring it's own challenges, highs and lows, peaks and valleys and plateaus on this journey. Part of me is scared, and part of me is excited to see what this year DOES bring in our Autism world. I know I cannot see the future so I have to do my best to not dwell on what I cannot control. But what I do know is I can control the way I think of the upcoming new year, the way I react to really tough situations, the constant decision I make to "love him through it" and the I can control trying everything in my power to make this the best year yet for Alley and our family. This is what I can do, and I'm lucky that I get this new year to do it!
Happy 2024 from our family to yours!
With Grace,
This Autsim Mama
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