Meltdowns... never ever ever get easier to mentally or emotionally digest on me or him. Friday morning I had early basketball practice. Al and Alan took the boys to summer camp to drop them off. It was sort of an edgier morning because when I got home from practice, and Al left for work, Alan just had that stare he gets. You know that one when something's really bothering him deep down, but cannot express it. Here... we... go....
An hour went by and no meltdown, just irritable moans now and then. It was getting close to the time we had to leave to grab Vinny and Joey so I thought to sort of break him of this mindset he was in, let's stop at a park on our way to get his brothers. He absolutely loves any playground so it worked out perfectly, or so I thought. We went to a park that's not too far from our house, on the way to get the boys and one he was familiar with. We pull up and it was empty, great! He had the whole park to himself for .5 seconds before a van of four girls pulled up. My stomach sank, they were older and I knew they would look at him funny. Alan didn't notice, he jovially sprinted straight into the park and I followed behind. He went to this spiny globe apparatus and put my hand on the pole to spin him. He loved it for a couple minutes and was onto the next thing... this very very very steep and high slide. Alan went down the slide appropriately and immediately turned around to try and climb back up that same slide. He could not do it. It was too high and too steep, he didn't care though, he was so fixated on getting up this damn slide. Attempt after attempt, he would get halfway up and slide back down. His moans got much louder and much angrier. I tried my hardest to push him up the slide but he is just too heavy and I am too short. He was getting extremely aggravated with me and the slide. I heard the moans... and I just knew an explosion was coming. It happened SO fast that I couldn't even intervene. Before I knew it he was throwing his body down into the wood chips, screaming and yelling, throwing the wood chips all over the park, it was brutal. Then the stares started, and I know their mom was trying talk to the girls at the park to distract them from staring at Alan and I, but they just couldn't look away. It hurt, not going to lie, it always does.
At this point, I didn't have a choice. I had to remove him from this park becasue he was just too fixated on this slide and how he couldn't finish this task. It was not easy getting him to the car in this state, he's so heavy and strong, but we got back to the car and I felt like I took my first breath in the last 20 minutes. So there we were, him crying and yelling, me crying and yelling, we were both actually melting, if I'm being honest. Sometimes, I need to melt, for me. I need to let it all out becasue I hold in way too much. Eventually, we both calmed down as the car ride went on but we were still too early to pick up the boys. I didn't want to bring him into the summer camp church post meltdown becasue we would have had to wait in the lobby and that's hard on him in general.
At this point we were passing a school that I used to teach summer school at. I knew they had two really great parks and they're usually emtpy. So I pulled into the school parking lot. When I did that, I looked at Alley through the rear view mirror. He saw the playgrounds, looked back at me and gave me a huge thumbs up. Thumbs up has become Alan's way of letting us know he is "good" which is a huge communicative step for him. We had a good chat about how he will be a good boy at this park, there is no crying, only happy Alan. As he's leaving the van, I got multiple big thumbs up, so I knew I made the right decision for him to get resolution inside.
You see, I never really thought about that before in past meltdowns. How Alan feels post meltdown. I know how I feel, like a damn truck hit me physically and emotionally, but how the heck does he feel? At this new park he did his laps on all the different park activities and each time he completed one, he would make direct eye contact with me and give me that thumbs up, over and over again. Almost like he was confirming he was doing a good job, being a good boy and he was! When it was time to go get the boys, he walked like such a little man to the car with perfect behavior. It was like we both knew we needed each other in that moment to process what had happen and BOTH of us needed resolution. He was much happier after that and I'm so glad I went to that second park even for 10 minutes, he needed that to turn around his morning. Meltdowns never get easier, the kids get bigger, stronger, louder but it's a beautiful thing to see some sort of resolution unfold before your eyes. BUT man.... do meltdowns get ya...... and they always will.
With Grace-
This Autism Mama
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