I miss Alan...

Today I am just writing from the heart, what I am feeling, and I miss my Alley. I have seen him everyday, but I haven't really been seeing him like I usually do. This probably doesn't make sense to many of you but that is all I can come up with for this week.

I know I wrote a couple weeks back about our middle son, Vinny having horrible stomach issues that we were unsure of the cause at that point. Well, in short, they are still happening and are going to continue to happen until we fix it. My attention has been on Vinny, and I guess I never have really realized how attached I am to Alley without even knowing it. I guess the nonverbal piece of it makes it tricky and I HAVE to be that in-tune to Alley to get through the day with him. To me there has always been an invisible umbilical chord that is still attached to him and I until we can find his voice. Going through what our family has been going through with Vinny, I almost feel detached from my Alley. It sounds so crazy because I am literally with him before school, after school when he is not at therapy and then before bed. For me, its more than just being in the same room or house as him. Usually I am able to sit with him, read his stories for him. Giggle with him. Hug and love on him for the majority of the day, but that hasn't been in the cards for us, and it is nobody's fault. Its just the cards we have been dealt right now.

I can't help but wonder what he feels through this though. Does he know the severity of what is going on? Is he scared when he sees his mom or dad flying into the bathroom after his brother? The commotion, the crying, the chaos, the lack of attention. Is he feeling all of this that we are feeling? He knows a lot of it, he knows something is not "right" in our house, he knows that he has been on his own a lot this month and I know he feels all of that. But what I really want to dig into is if he is feeling this detachment, this separation that I am feeling from him, which is out of our control. He goes to school every day, so smiley and excited and comes home for a little bit then goes to ABA three days a week in the evenings. So I know he is getting attention from other adults and staff members. But I know I can't help but get this pit in my stomach that he is missing me as much as I miss him. I guarantee if we were not on this homeopathic route with him that throughout this month we would have seen a horrible spike in behaviors, so thankfully we are and he has been a rock star as far as behaviors go. I just, miss him, our daily connection. This weekend I am going to make a point (as much as I can) to grab some time with my guy if possible.

We have a big appointment coming up on Monday for Alley. This appointment is one of those that you wait months and months for to get into. My hopes are extremely high that this bio-medical doctor will take us down a path to help find Alley's voice, and I know I need to lower my expectations because I will just be let down if it doesn't lead us down that path. But I can't help but cling onto every ounce of hope and excitement I have left. Send us all the good vibes to get us through this rough weekend with Vinny and that we find some peaceful quality time with Alley boy. I hope to return to the blog next week with some awesome feedback from bio-medical doctor appointment!

With Grace-

This Autism Mama