Let me start off by apologizing for the vent session that is about to take place in this blog. But as the title states I am quite literally hanging by a thread and if I dont unload this weight I am carrying soon, I am afraid it will literally start pouring out of my ears for the world to see.
This morning, I went to my work out class. I thought I was doing okay for the most part, mentally, however I absolutely almost lost it all somewhere between running on a incline and moving to the rower. My "coach" at the work out place is actually my old player (I have coached girls basketball at a local high school for over 15 years now) and she was one that I had back in the day. She is fantastic. She has always been more then a player to me, almost like a little sister that I woud look after. Anyway, this morning I was in her class like I usually am and we joke around, laugh, she yells at me to work harder (my how the roles have reversed) and that's just how our mornings go. Its my serenity, where I clear my head, a place a that I can think about me and only me for approximately 59 minutes. It's something I look forward to every single time. But somehwere during my run today, my mind slipped. It went blank. I wasn't coaching myself to get through this horrible incline, I wasn't pushing myself to go faster, I just was blank. For me personally, that is my downfall. My mind wanders and it wanders to two people in my life that I have felt like I had no control over their sitautions, my brother and Alan.
October in general sucks in our house. My kids always get sick as we are currently navigating a nasty cold right now. So not feeling well, congested and sleep is suffering, it's not the most happy place on earth currently. It is also the month of my little brother, Ricky's, passsing. Which if you have ever had anyone close to you pass away, you know that it just creeps up on you and you are almost just playing the waiting game, in hopes that day comes and goes so you do not have to think about how long it has been since you have seen them, talked to them, hugged them, the list goes on and on but bottom line is it is brutally hard to get through, every damn year. So here I am at 6:30 this monrning finishing up my run and making my way over to the floor. I knew where my mind was on the treadmill and I just couldn't get off either topic, Ricky or Alan. Once it starts, it is so hard to stop. "Ricky passed away so young. My little brother is not here anymore. I can't imagine what would happen to Alan if something happened to me. How would he survive? What is something happens to both of us, my husband and me? Who will he have? Do we have enough for him? Housing? Money? Food? A future?" Man, does the list go on and on and on. It truly is never ending and it makes me feel like I am physically drowning in my own breath.
I start walking toward my next station and my player/coach comes to chat with me like she always does. It is usually one of the highlights in the morning workouts beacuse let's be real, they are beyond hard! It litterally took me looking up at her and I was about to lose it. I mean absolutely crumble to pieces. She didn't even do anything other then put her hand on my back, and I said to her "stop, don't talk to me". I pushed her away because if I didn't I would have been a blubbering mess in front of about 20 other grown adults. All of which have no clue about my story, my life of anything I have been through so that would have been a sight to see! She kept looking at me basically waiting for me to say more, and I just couldn't, with the lump in my throat that was blocking my voice from coming out. I just waved her off, and she knew. She knew I was in my own head, that I wasn't right and legit a ticking time bomb of emotions. I got so mad at myself for letting my mind go there, at this time of year, when I am quite literally hanging on by a thread mentally and emotionally. At this point, I finished my work out and quickly got dressed to leave. I waved bye to her through the glass and headed out knowing I have 4 sick children at home ( I usually get back before they even wake up).
On my way home, I just felt it all. Every emotion. Sadness, cried, anger, physical heart pain, then relief. Clearly, I had to release these emotions. It started last weekend and I've kept them bottled up since. Long story short my husbands best friend was getting married last Friday. It has been a long time since we have been able to enjoy a night out together. I mean like an actual night out that lasts longer then a hour. We were thrilled, beyond excited to get this oppertunity to dress up and head to the city for the evening. But this ALWAYS happens. Alan has been really good the past month. He has been having good reports from school, at home he has been adatptable, friendly and so loving. I honestly didn't think twice about going to this wedding (which in the past I always would have my reservations about leaving him for an extended period of time) but this time was different, I let my guard down. The ceremony started at 6:00, we waited until the last minute to leave and arrived right at 5:56. Four mintues to spare for my husband to walk down the aisle. I was checking in non stop, per usual, but my service was super spotty in this art museum. It was a beautiful ceremony and cocktail hour. We are at our table eating dinner and my phone rings, it was about 8:30 ( yes we had two and half hours out at this point) and it was my Dad. "Time to come home, we cannot control him. He is so upset he is biting himself, screaming, yelling and crying". And that was all I needed to hear to abandon a lot of people we cared about. Either way we were letting someone down. It was an absolutely awful feeling. In my heart, I know my parents would absolutely do everything they can to help the situation before having us come home, so I knew it was bad. I went back to the table, told Al it was time to go, he knew what that meant and I didn't have to say another word. Somewhere between the speeches and the first dances we headed out the door, already. The drive back to the suburbs was omniscently silent between the two of us. We didn't talk much, both just trying our best to navigate Chicago traffic and get home not only to our boy who was destraught, but to my parents who I put in this situation. The only sounds that were to be heard were my non stop cryies and sniffles. I couldn't control it. It just kept coming and coming only to be dried up by the time we got home so my other children didn't see me like this.
We got home, and they were absolutely right, I can read it on his face, he was melted to a puddle bascially. He looked wiped out, he looked angry and he just looked off at that point. We apologized to my parents (even though I know they would never put blame on anyone for this situation) but as their daughter it is SO hard to see them struggle with my own child. Again, drowning in my own breath at this point. But we were home, the night was over, my parents talked to us for a little bit basically debriefing of what went on and then headed home. They handled it perfectly, but just like anything with Alan, you never know how he will respond to each individual person. So all of this to say, I think that statement "hanging on by a thread" sums my head space up perfectly right now. After my work out today, I knew I had to write. I had to get it out there and speak the truth of these situations for me to be able to move on from my own feelings. I struggle with being envious of couples who are able to go out whenever they please, or who actually enjoy a night away every once in a while. I think becaue it is a daunting fact to reazlie that it will never be us. As much as we need it more than anyone, all of us in this boat do, it will never be us. It's a hard pill to swallow but I think I have maybe sawlloed about half of it at this point, the other half will make its way down at some point.
I write all of this to let you know that if you are having hard, big feelings, the more you supress them down below in your gut, the more turbulant they are when they come out. I thought I was doing well after the wedding starting last weekend, just going through the motions, but the truth is I never fully dealt with what I was feeling then. And to my surpise at 6:15 this morning, there they were, rearing their ugly heads. They will come out, they always do, give yourself grace when you feel this way and roll with the big emotions. Otherwise you will be hanging on by a thread and just like me this morning, they will be coming out of your ears.
With Grace,
This Autism Mama
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