I have been very much MIA lately and I am sorry for that. When we talk about "plates being full" mine is overflowing. Or physically and mentally drowning is another way of putting it. But here we are, trying to navigate it all, again.
It has been a very very rough couple years for our family. We lost my little brother after a 6 month battle with brain cancer, then we lost my mother in law to covid complications and in January of this year, we suddenly and tragically lost my father in law while he was on a cruise. It has been loss after loss for us, blow after blow. And through it all, every time my heart is shattered and I think there is nothing left to give, I somehow hurt the most for Alley. It's weird because he is the happiest out of all of us during these awful gut wrenching times, but that's why it kills me. Does he even know? Will he ever understand the monumental loss of a loved one? Does he even know that he will never see his "Gaga" or "Uncle Rick" or "Mimi" again? Does he think they just haven't been around because they are busy? It's so so so hard to tell. We want to be honest with him, and he deserves to know. My fear is that he is just thinking about them and we don't even know he is. It physically hurts me.
This morning, I was writing up his social story for my father in laws services on Saturday. What to expect, where we will be going, what behavior is expected of him that day and informed him about the circumstances. I'm really hoping this makes things a little more clear for him. But the hard part is as his mother, I can't console him if he is sad about losing 3 of the most important people in his life. If he does cry about it today, tomorrow or maybe even in a month because he misses them, how will I know? I won't. That's the part that makes me sick to my stomach. As his mom it is my job to be there for him when he needs me most, to help him down the journey of grief and all the emotions that come along with it, but I just can't. It's impossible to know what he is feeling at certain times and the reasons behind those big emotions. It just sucks, plain and simple.
So Saturday, we will read the social story to him again. We will walk through everything we are doing that day and why we are doing it, hoping that he can make that connection through the story beforehand. That is my plan anyway but who am I kidding, it never goes to plan right? I shouldn't have plans anymore because it never happens the way I plan. Comical, really when you think about it. Goodbyes are hard, but final goodbyes shatter you to your core. And I am not ready for another final goodbye so soon.
With Grace,
This Autism Mama
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