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Counting Steps…

As a Mom, I've always counted steps figuratively and literally with Alan. I would do it knowingly and subconsciously. I gues I'm just programmed this way since having Alley. It just came natural and I continue to do it to this day.


Let me take you back to two summers ago. Alan was five and very anxious all the time. Between the ages of two and five he loved loved loved the outdoors. He would walk along the our landscape in our front yard. We would both count his steps, him and I, and continually walk the same predictable route over and over. It was comforting for him. He would always stop at the same tree, look up at the leaves and birds and show his excitement through flapping. I would sit on the porch and watch him repeat this route for hundreds of steps. The sounds, the smells, the feel of the sun, Alley was a happy camper. I didn't care who was watching or what people thought, he was happy and that was all that mattered to me.


Fast forward to the summer of him being five. We had no clue that something switched in him. I guess that is a big part of living the life of him being nonverbal. He was terrified of leaving the front yard. Just being out there was totally fine, but leaving it had a dibilating effect on him. If myself or my husband got too close to the street or started walking down the sidewalk to talk with a neighbor, he would start having a panic attack. It was so tricky for him to navigate because he wanted to come get us and bring us back to the porch but he was also struggling internally with being able to physically leave the front yard. His breathing would pick up and become very rapid, his face would turn into a scowl and he just was beside himself. Of course my husband and I started with the negative thoughts of the rabbit hole. Are we ever going to be able to take a walk as a family again? Will he ever be able to leave our yard? These negative thoughts were daunting and heartbreaking.


So we started to try and get him to take one step outside the yard every day. It was a process, just like with all things. We would take one step forward and three back. As with anything and Autsim we are always walking that fine line of pushing him too much and running the risk of turning him off completely to whatever we are asking of him. We took this path in our minds that was literal baby steps. Either my husband or I would work with him and literally get a toe outside of our grass line onto the sidewalk. Then it turned into two steps before he would flee back to the porch. But man did we work and work and work. The goal was to get him on a family walk by the end of that summer. And we did it! We achieved our family goal! I'm very proud to say that by the end of the summer we were walking around the whole block. THE WHOLE BLOCK! It was great for Alan, so good for his brothers and amazing for my husband and I to witness him evolve into being able to do this. We were counting steps that whole summer, literally.


Fast forward again to this past summer he was six, and he started riding a bike. Totally on his own, just showed interest one day and my husband and I jumped on it! Got him his own bike that same day, bought him bigger stable training wheels and we have never look back. To this day he is flying on his bike. He rides so fast, he rides standing up, he does it all. We often watch him in awe and we beam with so much pride. I often think back to those days, that summer when everything felt so dismal and depressing. Back to that summer when we were hanging on every step he would take. It reminds me that nothing is impossible and things can change even when you think they won't. It's something I'll remember forever, especially on this journey of ups, downs and plateaus, it keeps me going, it keeps us all going.



With Grace-

This Autism Mama



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