I always compare our journey with Autism to climbing mountains. Now, I’ve never been a climber or into the mountain way of living, but I was an athlete my whole life so I know a thing or two about facing challenging situations. I know about winning and losing, and learning from it. This weekend I felt like I had just attempted to climbed the biggest mountain only to slide right back down, over and over. Or played in the biggest game, against the toughest team and came up short.
We have had our minds set on attempting potty training with Alan for a while now. He is eight years old, his receptive language has gotten much better and we are able to transition with him much easier then it used to be. There was a couple times along the way over the last couple of years where we would try with him in our own way and it went terribly. In my heart, I knew he wasn’t ready at those times. Which broke me because I would watch the years tick by as he got older and older and still in pull ups. He has been doing really well, adjusting to our new life as a family of 6, and overall just seems happier, calmer and really ready to try new things so we thought it is the right time to start.
In our community I’ve heard of a company that comes to your house for a weekend and shows you a program to follow with your child. As much as my husband and I would try with him, we needed help for us. We needed structure and a program to follow for us AND him if we had a shot at being successful. As his parents we found a weekend that we had nothing on the schedule to have them come out. The trainer came Saturday morning bright and early to be here when woke up, and it began. Right to the bathroom. He sat in there for two and half hours. My husband and the trainer followed the protocol, drink drink drink, try the toilet, sit in the chair, repeat when the timer goes off. This went on a for a long time until the trainer released him to come downstairs and continue his day as normal while still implementing the intensive training. She left us for the rest of the day, and we were then the trainers following the protocol, charting all attempts and accidents, listening to countless timers, everything for the rest of the day. Overall it was an exhausting day, mentally, physically, emotionally for all three of us. Alan was a very good sport, he listened and did everything we told him to do. He just was not making the connection of the toilet, yet. We are undoing eight years of the only way he has known to go to the bathroom. But the timer would go off, he would go to the toilet, sit for the designated amount of time, and then get off. Like a robot just following our cues. This is where my emotions came into play. I had the worst thoughts about myself as a mother, how did I let him get this old without making any progress, how heartbreaking it was to watch him struggle so much with something a toddler can do, the intrusive thoughts went on and on. But what ripped me to shreds was by the end of the day, his eyes just looked sad to me. I can cry right now writing this. He looked so sad, so depleted and like he had nothing left to give us. It took everything in him that day to keep it together as best he could, while trying to meet our every demand and it didn’t dawn on me until that first night when I looked into his pale blue eyes, and they were hurting. We put a pull up on for that night and had to start again the next day, bright and early with the trainer.
The next day went a tiny tiny bit better, not as many accidents, but we also called it quits early that evening. The weekend was so hot and Alan absolutely loves the water, which he didn’t get to go in at all because of the protocol. My husband I made the decision to let him live a little and end it early that evening so he can enjoy some outdoor water time with his brothers. It was a hard decision because I know it was against the protocol but sometimes my child’s wellbeing is more important to me then meeting a milestone, listening to a protocol or worrying about what others think that he is still in pull ups. Nobody can read him like I can, and when I tell you his eyes lit up when we put his swimsuit on that evening, it was like we breathed life back into his soul, I knew we made the right decision. The next day (Monday) was very hard for me to mentally get back into it, with a two month old baby, two other boys and potty training Alley, it was hard to do it all solo. So we adjusted the protocol, that I am sure works for other children, to what we think will work for Alley and our family in the long run. It’s harder when my husband is at work and again trying to juggle it all while solo parenting is not for the weak. BUT I promised myself early on to set my boy up for success and I will do just that. It might take 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years, but this weekend we took one single step to climbing that enormous mountain of potty training for him even thought it’s a small step, it’s a step in the right direction.
I know it’s going to have it’s highs and lows, set backs and gains, as does every single thing when Autism is in the picture. But I also know that he is going to continue to give us his best in that moment, and that’s all we can ask for. This isn’t easy, it’s not even hard, it’s almost borderline impossible but I know it’ll be worth it.
With Grace,
This Autism Mama
